The hardest thing about mental health is it is invisible to other people, sometimes they might be able to tell by facial expressions and body language.
You can feel completely alone in a room full of people or go from being an outgoing and confident person to a hermit.
Personally I am a bit of a hermit, I'm not a big fan of big social gatherings or parties but even still with the current restrictions I found it really tough.
I do all of the stuff that I wrote about in a recent blog post and still found it really tough.
I can only imagine that if I wasn't doing the stuff to look after myself it would have been worse.
I tried taking my own life towards the end of the first lockdown and recently I got so angry I felt like the only way to deal with it was to harm myself.
It has been extremely hard on those around me but in those moments the only thing I think about is this 'rage' (that's just what I'd call it) that builds up inside.
I describe it as anger but so intense it's beyond words.
Sometimes I feel strong but weak at the same time.
It can sometimes feel like The Hulk trying to burst out but if I try to control it it's like putting The Hulk in cage.
Sometimes I might feel a bit stressed, not really know why and then something minor will happen and it just tips me over the edge and 'the rage' would take over.
As a kid I can remember headbutting walls, punching the shit out of my bedroom door, picking fights and even smashing a few windows.
When it passes I become overwhelmed with sadness and self loathing.
I believe I'm not a danger to anyone else but I see how hard it has been on those that I am close too and that was a massive motivating factor for me to help myself.
I can't overstate how important the people around you are for your battle in mental health, sometimes it won't feel like that and it will be more like a battle for survival.
When I spoke to people about it they would always remind me about the stuff I've done, like raising money for charity but it didn't matter, it's this voice inside my head.
Other things that would happen would be stuttering and just not being able to say a simple words.
Incredibly embarrassing when meeting people for the first time.
I spoke to a doctor and requested to be put on anti-depressants.
Thankfully since I've felt calmer and when stuff is getting to me that may have previously been too much it's much easier to handle.
I wanted to post this in the hope that if someone else is the same and also struggles you're not the only one and there are things you can do.
I used to cope by going to the gym and lifting weights and doing some strength training.
Since the gym has been closed I started the Mind Strong 6 Week Challenge and this has really helped to give me a focus and a purpose during the most recent lockdown so thank you to everyone involved.
I understand it might be a bit close to the bone and I hope it doesn't upset anyone.
To anyone who thinks I'm soft or weak, I don't care.
I fought some of the hardest battles ever known to man in my head.